


Drunken adventures in love

by Electrickittenshark



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Drunken Shenanigans, Fluff and Humor, Male Friendship, Other, Ralph fails as a wingman, Supernatural Elements, Vegas baby!, weird shit goes down
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-10
Updated: 2018-10-10
Packaged: 2019-07-29 02:10:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16254527
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Electrickittenshark/pseuds/Electrickittenshark
Summary: Cisco is struggling with his feelings of loneliness and heartbreak after breaking up with Cynthia but luckily for him (or rather unluckily), Ralph is there to help back on his feet—Dibny style. Ralph becomes Cisco’s dorky, mostly clueless wingman and helps him find love in the romantic and wholesome place in the world—Vegas. Unfortunately, they find themselves entangled with two melodrama loving demons, a love crazy goddess and a magical matchmaker who is too tired for this shit.This story is a sequel to ‘Wasted in Vegas with Wonder Woman’.





	Drunken adventures in love

**Author's Note:**

> I am still on a hiatus from writing fanfic, but this fic has been lying around for a few weeks so I decided to edit it and put it up. The story was based on all the pre-season 5 interviews on how Ralph and Cisco would be bachelors together and how Ralph & Caitlin would help Cisco recover from his breakup.

Ralph stares at the mirror in disbelief for a moment and thinks, ‘Oh I’m actually here. I’m still here.’ He chuckles for a moment before heading to Star Labs. There are times, when he still can't believe that he is actually in the same room as Caitlin, Cisco, Barry and Iris.The truth is Ralph had given up on reclaiming his body from Devoe. He just assumed that he would rot away in the mindscape and Devoe would eventually murder all of his friends. Being trapped inside Devoe’s mind had broken his spirit, until Barry barged into the mindscape and gave Ralph a tiny spark of hope. Cisco is still reeling over his break up with Gypsy. Even though drunk Cisco was hilarious and adorable, he is barely managing to function. Caitlin and Ralph have tried getting Cisco to open up, but he would deflect their concerns with jokes and sarcasm. Ralph knows that Cisco is getting drunk and cracking jokes to cope, because that’s how he got by in the five years after he lost his job. He thinks, ‘ _I have to help get his shit together.’_

 **Ralph:** Hey, Ciscy!

 **Cisco:** **(Stumbles out of his chair)** Don't call me that! Hearing that name gives me traumatic Breacher flashbacks. Also, I am wasted as hell and loud noises like kill my brain. 

 **Ralph:** You know what we should do?

 **Cisco:** What?

 **Ralph:** We should go to Vegas.

 **Cisco:** But we have to deal with Nora and—

 **Ralph** : And you can come up with better ideas after a break and some fun adventures with moi.  

Cisco rolls his eyes as he swallows another aspirin to counter his monstrous hangover. 

 **Ralph:** Look I know your break up with Cynthia was tough, but you can't mope around, get drunk and wallow in self-pity forever. I tried that shit for five years and it didn't work. The best way to get over a break up is to get a rebound. 

 **Cisco:** I am **not** taking romantic advice from a guy whose pick up line is: Do you like shrimp? 

 **Ralph:** I’ll be your wing man! **_(Sighs)_** There is an open bar and I can get us free fries. 

 **Cisco:** Sold.

After Cisco recovers from his hangover, Ralph lends him some of his fancier suits, without corny as hell floral patterns. The moment they breach over to Vegas, Cisco starts regretting his decision, but Ralph gleefully drags him to the bars and buffet. He gives Cisco a dorky thumb up before starting the speed dates. Cisco awkwardly and half heartedly stumbles through multiple conversation while multiple women give Ralph their numbers. Ralph sighs sadly when he spots Cisco becoming more and more despondent after each time he strikes out with a woman. Cisco slouches and hovers over to his ‘bestie’. Ralph discreetly throws away all the phone numbers he had gotten.

 

 **Cisco:** None of them want another “date”. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. 

 **Ralph:** Dang, I didn't get dates either.

 **Cisco:** Let's go home. Nobody wants me.

 **Ralph:** Hey, man don’t beat yourself up. Just be confident! 

 **Cisco:** That’s like telling someone really stupid, _hey man just be smarter!_ Or like telling a bum to just get rich. Geez why didn’t think of that?

 **Ralph:** Maybe you could try some pick-up lines. Like, _hey there, you wanna know my secret identity?_  

 **Cisco:** Dude you can’t do that! I can’t just go around telling everyone my secret identity! That’s a bad use of your superhero persona. Do **_you_** do that? 

 **Ralph:** **_(Chuckles nervously)_** Nope! Nope! I totally haven't done **_that_** to get free coffee and cookies!

 **Cisco:** Yeah right…That’s totally not a Ralph Dibny thing to do. 

 **Ralph** Or, maybe you could like… talk about science and stuff. Yeah. Do that.

 **Cisco:** Yeah like that will work. Just like it worked with all those girls who rejected me in middle school.  And high school. And college.

 **Ralph:** Come on Cisco! You could try out **_some_** of my awesome advice!

 **Cisco:** Ralph, you look like a cross between Zac Efron and a young Jim Carey. Okay! You could literally tell a woman **_I HAVE MOTHERFUCKIN’ SANDWHICHES!_** as a pick-up line and it would actually work! 

 **Ralph:** First of all, that’s not true and second of all, I don’t have your winning personality. **_(Smiles)_** Oooh…How about speed dating for widows? Eh?

Cisco shakes his head and thinks, ‘ _This dork has no idea what he is doing, does he_?’ Ralph stretches his arm and grabs some cheesy fries. 

 **Ralph:** Here are your free fries. 

 **Cisco:** Ralph don’t use your powers in public like that! **_(Whispers)_** Someone will see you!

 **Ralph:** **(Scoffs)** Please nobody saw that. Besides everyone else is drunk anyways.

 

But **_someone_** did notice.

This time of year, in Vegas tends to be pretty peculiar. A small window is opened to the beings from the realm of dreams and nightmares. On this night, a tiny bridge is built to the sphere of the gods themselves. The surreal and the fantastical takes form, as the myths existing in the mind’s eye manifest themselves in the mortal realm, at midnight. Eros comes every year to study mortals and their relationships. Aphrodite is just here for the drama and a chance to bang to hot men. Lilith a succubus, joins Lidérc a dream demon to torture a bunch of drunk and desperate idiots. Ralph’s little stunt has caught their eye.

 **Aphrodite:** Did that mortal just stretch his arm?

 **Hermes:** Humans have gotten really queer in the past few years. That man over there can create portals to other realms. There is a man in crimson, who can give Hermes a run for his money, not to mention to the literal man of steel.

 Aphrodite adorably nods her head as she steals one of Eros’s infinite love darts.

 

 **Lidérc** : Oooooh I want to torture…um **_(points at Ralph)_** **_that_** weirdo.

 **Lilith:** Eh…I could do a better job of torturing him.

 **Lidérc** : **_(Scoffs sarcastically)_** Of course you can.

 **Lilith:** Your method of torturing people is just like an unsatisfying “twist” in a tall tale. A mortal can just wake up and tell themselves that it was all just a dream. **_(Sticks out her long tongue)_ ** My method of destroying souls is way more effective.

 **Lidérc** : I bet you a thousand souls that you can't destroy that elastic weirdo’s soul. 

Lilith smirks as she transforms herself into a beautiful and bodacious woman with thick long black hair, amber eyes and dark red lips. She struts over to Ralph and bends over.

 

 **Lilith:** Hello, there.

Ralph gapes at her for a few moments however he snaps out of her hypnotic trance to vouch for Cisco.

 **Ralph:** Um…I can’t believe that I am saying this, but like don't hit on **_me_**. Maybe you could ask the Latino gentleman over there with the fabulous hair out on a date? He’s really funny and smart and I think you’ll like him. ( ** _Sighs)_** He could really use a win right now. You get what I’m saying? **_(Buries his head in his hands in frustration)_** God I suck at this!

Lilith looks over at a drunk and despondent Cisco stuffing his face with fries. Unfortunately for her Aphrodite has decided to mess with her by shooting with a love dart and Lilith instantly becomes infatuated with Cisco. Lilith loving gazes at Cisco and prances off in Cisco’s direction. Ralph smiles and pats himself on the back, when he sees that Cisco actually hitting it off with Lilith.

 **Eros:** Did you just hit her with one of my stolen love darts?

 **Aphrodite:** No. I did no such thing.

 **Eros:** Because, you just paired up that man with a succubus.

 **Aphrodite:** Ohhhh…. **_(Smiles gleefully)_** This is going to be so much fun!

Eros sighs as he walks over to Ralph in order to clean up one of the billions of messes his mother had made.

 **Eros:** Elongating mortal.

 **Ralph:** Are you talking to me?

 **Eros:** Yes, I am. Your friend there, has just gotten paired up with a demon.

 **Ralph:** C’mon man she can't be that bad. Comparing her to a demon is stretching it, you know?

 **Eros:** No mortal, she is a **_literal_** demon. Her name is Lilith. She is an infamous succubus who lures men to destroy their souls through their genitals.

Eros snaps his fingers and shows Ralph Lilith’s true form.

 **Ralph:** OH SHIT!  

 

Eros rubs his tired eyes as Ralph scampers off and desperately searches for Cisco. Meanwhile, Cisco giggles drunkenly as Lilith takes him by the hand to her hotel room. Since Lilith was demon, the love potion wears off very quickly and Lilith thinks, _‘Well I’ll just have to settle for this one.’_ She kisses him and injects a magic potion into him with her lips to hypnotize him. Cisco drifts into a sleep like state as his whole body becomes paralyzed. Lilith seductively crawls over his body and her eyes start glowing red. He panics and thinks, ‘ _Holy shit what is happening?_ ’ as Lilith transforms into her demonic form to suck his soul out. Ralph bursts in and uses an elongated arm to pull Cisco away from Lilith.

 **Ralph:** NOT TODAY, SATAN! You are not going to suck my friend’s soul through his penis!

 **Cisco** : What. Just, What.

Lilith starts spitting fire form her mouth, but Ralph counters by stretching his hand and using it as a shield. He morphs his hand to into a hammer and hits her. Ralph carries Cisco bridal style and runs away as far as possible. He looks over his shoulder to make sure that Lilith is gone as Cisco catches his breath. 

 **Cisco:** What the hell was all that?

 **Ralph:** Well, it turns out that she is demon who destroys men’s souls by luring them and—

 **Cisco:** Please—just please tell me that you’re joking.

 **Ralph:** Look man, I didn't know that I set you up with a literal soul sucking succubus, okay!

 **Cisco:** **_(Rants angrily)_** You have to be the most incompetent, most clueless and most idiotic wing man in the world! This whole trip to Vegas was a horrible idea and I would have been better off binge eating alone at my home!

 **Ralph:** I’m sorry Cisco. Look, I don’t know your ex that well, but I knew that she meant a lot to you and that it still hurts like a bitch. I was trying to cheer you up in my own very stupid way.   

 **Cisco:** Ralph—

 **Ralph:** **_(Chuckles bitterly)_** I mean, in hindsight you probably shouldn't take any dating advice from **_me_**. I’m a completely clueless dumbass when it comes to women, love and life in general. Any advice coming from a guy that has already accepted that he’s gonna die alone is pretty much useless.

 **Cisco:** Hey, you're not going to die alone okay? You're too ridiculously handsome too die alone.

 **Ralph: (Chuckles bitterly)** Yeah, right. My relationships crash and burn faster than Sally the satellite. When you spend five years of life rotting away in a strip club and getting as wasted as possible on a regular basis, you sort of accept the fact that the whole loving marriage with adorable kids’ thing is a delusional fantasy. I know that stuff won't happen for me. But you’re a good man and you’ll find someone amazing.

 **Cisco:** **_(Sighs)_** Maybe there is something wrong with **_me_**. Kendra left me the moment her real soulmate showed up. Practically every girl that I muster up the courage to ask out treats me like I’m invisible. It just a never-ending stream of ‘no’. I keep telling myself, someday Cisco. Someday you will get a ‘yes’ and you’ll find someone. And then I finally found this beautiful, amazing, brave and badass woman. **_(Tears up)_** Then she leaves **_me_**. She just gives up on **_us_**. It was so obvious that I cared way more than she did. That’s how it usually goes down if I actually do get to the relationship stage. I guess, I’m just defected. 

 **Ralph:** No. Cisco, it’s not…it’s not you! You’re awesome and I don't want to doubt that for a second. You're funny, you’re smart, you’re really sweet and you have…fabulous hair! Like how is your hair so shiny and soft, man?

 **Cisco:** I ain’t telling you anything.

 **Ralph:** I will figure out your fabulous hair secrets, Ramon. You know what, if thirty years we still are lonely old farts, you and **_I_** can get married.

 **Cisco:** Wait, what?

 **Ralph:** Yeah, I’ll totally marry you because you’re awesome and I love you. **_(Cries)_** I’m so happy you're not dead and I’m not dead. 

 **Cisco:** Well, that last bit came the hell out of nowhere. 

 **Ralph:** Well, I spent what felt like a never-ending hell trapped inside the mind of a psychopath who wanted to murder my friends and I thought I had no hope of ever getting out. So yeah, I’m really fucking happy okay! No one died and I get to annoy you guys with my existence again.

 **Cisco:** I didn't realize how horrible things were in there—

 **Ralph: _(Speaks solemnly)_ ** Cisco I have nothing to complain about. Everyone else on that bus died and I got to live. **_(Smiles)_** Anyways forget that depressing crap, we’re in Vegas, right?

 **Cisco:** Yeah…

 **Ralph:** **_(Smiles like a gigantic dork)_** Let's get married now! 

 **Cisco:** Ralphy I love ya, but that’s a stupid idea. 

 **Ralph:** Cisco please, all of my ideas are stupid.

Cisco and Ralph spend the rest of the night drinking and laughing over past adventures. 

 

Lilith gives Lidérc the middle finger as he chortles at her failed attempt at capturing the breacher’s soul. However, there is a small spark in Lidérc eyes when he senses the intense pain in Ralph’s soul. He thinks, ‘ _I’ll have to come back for you Dibny._ ’

 **Aphrodite:** Aww…. that was **_so_** sweet and adorable. They should be together.

 **Eros:** Please…please don’t say it…. 

 **Aphrodite:** **_(Gasps dramatically)_** **I SHIP IT!**  

Aphrodite’s eyes turn into glowing pink hearts. 

 **Eros: ( _Mummers_ ) **Why? Why do you have to do this to me?

 **Aphrodite:** It makes so much sense. Look at the cute little looks they give each other and THEY HAVE MATCHING SHOELACES! They're totally meant for each other. They’re soulmates. They’re going to have the most magical first kiss ever and they’ll have cute little kids together and they’ll wear matching bow ties on their wedding day. C’mon son, SHOOT THEM! Pleeeeeeeease? 

 **Eros:** No. No. NO. I’m not doing this!

 **Aphrodite:** **_(Cries dramatically)_** How can you say no to your mother! I’m disappointed by your horrible taste. But then again, I’m not surprised because you actually married that mortal mule who cheated her way into immortality— 

 **Eros:** First of all, don't insult my amazing wife. At least I know Psyche isn’t going to cheat on me a million times unlike **_someone_**. Second of all, I spend months analyzing people and their relationships to figure which couple works the best. I have to take their interests, dreams, ambitions, personalities, history emotional and emotional baggage when I analyze their compatibility. Then I have to delicately craft the process of two people falling in love and trusting each other.

Aphrodite rolls her eyes and cringes.

 **Eros:** **YOU** , just see two completely random strangers and want to pair them up together even if it doesn't make any sense! You put them together and then you pull them apart. You turn them into these manipulative, selfish and stupid monsters. You make them cheat on each other, get into nonsensical misunderstandings and do dumb things so you can pair them up again with other people to create more drama, more love triangles and more octagonal orgies. Stop making a bunch of poor mortals horny for each other because you want to live out your fanfiction! **_This_** is how we ended up with the whole Helen of Troy diabcale. Just…just let them good friends, okay? I will find better partners for those two.

 **Aphrodite: _(Pouts and whines)_ ** But, I really wanted to mess with the mortals.

 **Eros:** Well you the rest of eternity to do that.

Aphrodite and Eros disappear into the night as two friends help each other laugh through one of the many lonely lows in their lives.

 


End file.
